What Science Hath Lately Wrought

If you're down on your luck, are sleeping under the bridge, and have disbursed all but a few of your worldly possessions to creditors or fellow vagrants, you'll congratulate yourself on the foresight you displayed in hanging on to that Brita water filter. Just ask the intrepid scienticians at Oh My God It Burns industries. Newspapers for pants or (worse) no newspapers for pants, you can still be drinking finer martinis than James Bond hisself.

(To be noted is the lovely dropping-off of ambition between paragraphs one and three:

In the alchemical tradition, creation of the Philosopher’s stone is the ultimate end to man’s needs. The stone has the power to cure disease, prolong life, and possesses the added benefit of being able to transmute metals, as in lead into gold.

becomes

Our theory is that a simple brita water filter can be used to make bad vodka, into good.

The Enlightenment lives on.)